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Read about the things that happen
throughout the world.

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Don't believe in everything you see or
hear.

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And welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara
Breen. Joining us this week are Kat and

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Ryan, Rhys James and Sarah Keyworth,
Glenn Moore, Hugh Dennis and Sarah

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Pascoe.

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We start tonight with a round called
Picture

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of the Week. I show the panel a topical
image and ask them to tell me what is

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happening. So, teams, what's going on
here?

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Well, I can see a solid gold knob and
Keir Starmer's walking past it.

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We're filming this a few days ahead of
broadcast.

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This is either one or two people who
have recently lost their jobs.

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Don was saying, you know what would be
really funny? If I replaced you with

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Mandelson.

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I feel like I'm leaving to present a new
edition of This Is Your Life.

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Is he trying to get his bound copy of
the Epstein file signed?

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By who?

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I was going to say, you know who.

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That's going to take a long time to
collect all of those signatures.

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Oh, look at my book.

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Someone's drawn a cock holding it.

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Are those the three stages of a hair
transplant?

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They're just knocking around ideas of
who they should bring back. Liz Truss,

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maybe Hugh Edwards as Minister for Kids.

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Should be noted, by the way, that that
department was entirely just invented

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for the purpose of that joke.

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You don't actually have a minister for
kids, because that is asking for

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trouble. And look what happens without
one.

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If they get one, it should be a kid.

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But that's what they should have as an
eight-year-old. Like a baby goat.

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You had one job. You had one job to find
a charger in this department.

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He's saying, today he's going to take
all of my charisma. Darling, fetch me my

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brown tie.

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He's got a long thumb, hasn't he?

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Do you want to give me an answer so I
can wrap up?

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Traditionally, this is my job, isn't it?
You're very much why we've got you back.

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This is Prime Minister.

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Yes. Keir Starmer.

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And next to him is his chief of staff,
Morgan McSweeney. Absolutely, thank you

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very much. You, correct.

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Yes, this is a picture of UK Prime
Minister Keir Starmer and his former

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chief of staff, Morgan MacSweeney. This
is news that following further

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revelations about Peter Manson's links
to Jeffrey Epstein, MacSweeney took full

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responsibility for advising Starmer to
appoint Manson as US ambassador and

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stepped down from his role.

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And these are words I didn't expect to
say on week three. At the time of

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recording, Keir Starmer is still Prime
Minister.

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But how is it looking for Starmer at the
moment? It's the worst excuse ever. It's

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such an own goal.

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I mean, I didn't even make the decision.

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Like, it's like McSweeney's the
dominatrix and she's quit and now the

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gimp's still in charge.

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This situation is so annoying because if
Keir Starmer steps down because

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McSweeney has left due to his links to
Mandelson, then the Labour Party is

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probably going to crumble, which means
that Nigel Farage will become the Prime

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Minister. He will reinstate the
two-child benefit cap.

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And all of that means that... somehow
Jeffrey Epstein is still screwing kids.

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I really did not think you were going to
like that.

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Did you think they were going to be a
pro-Epstein crowd?

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That's what I loved about the reporting.

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was that they described it as a dramatic
exit that McSweeney did, which makes me

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always think that they go like, and say
goodbye to me.

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You're never going to see this house
again.

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I think the whole thing, the fact
McSweeney's gone, is fantastic news for

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justice. Because we've got the guy,
haven't we? We've got our guy. We've got

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the guy who made a suggestion to the
guy, who made the appointment of the

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guy, who's friends with the guy, who did
all those international sex crimes. So

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we can move on. It's fantastic.

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That's a very neat bow on top of that.

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For everything you hear about them, they
do seem to be, they came as a pair. You

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know, McSweeney did the ideas, Keir
Starmer was sort of putting it into

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action. I feel like they should have
left at the same time, like Tess and

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Claudia.

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So she thinks that's the fairest way to
do it. Is that why Tess and Claudia

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left? Not because of the episode.

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Dara and I left at the same time, but he
came back first.

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He was shaping up for a possible
leadership bid.

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Wes Freeting's one of them. Wes Freeting
is one of them, yeah. He's very happy

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with himself because he's stolen Keir
Starmer's book.

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Yes, among the people running Angela
Rayner, obviously, is said to be

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interested in the post.

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Miliband is always mentioned.

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And my personal favourite, the MP for
Birmingham Selly Oak, who's a guy called

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Al Karn.

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He's so fit.

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He does look like Keir Starmer.

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Crossed with Jack Reacher. He's a former
army guy who recently climbed Everest

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while breathing in xenon gas.

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And the reason is because he could climb
Everest faster because he said to

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himself, I don't have five to six weeks
to climb Everest. I'm a government

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minister. I have to do it quickly, which
is, all right, mate, calm it down.

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I say a very similar thing to my husband
about lovemaking.

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We've got to hurry this along. I'm off
the week.

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Looking at this guy, I feel so bad for
Keir Starmer because this guy is very

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much the Ed Gamble Keir Starmer's me.

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It's your science, man. Yeah. You know
everything about science. I know

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everything about science. Yeah, I know
everything about science. Why would

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xenon gas enable you to climb Everest
faster?

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Because... Ah, so technical.

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It's me like you go diving with you go
down with the oxygen pressures.

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I see That's all very clear. Thank you
very much. Thank you I think this guy

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looks tough, but still not as tough as
Angela Rainer She looks like she'd have

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someone in the Secret Service to hold
her earrings if it all kicks off And

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she'd be the first to have a boob job
and for me personally I'm donating to

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that campaign she might make fillers
tax-deductible Me and she's got a new

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haircut. Yeah, she can you have a
Because the people have written they

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will tolerate someone being
non-sadjacent, but they draw the line at

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split ends. She knows that.

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Can I see the picture of the handsome
guy again? Can you see the handsome guy

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again? Do you think he doesn't wear hats
because it would literally be a square

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peg in a round hole?

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I genuinely have to say that we
shouldn't do jokes about Al Karns

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because I fear just turning the key in
my house and from the shadows, Al Karns.

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Well, well, well.

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Had some funny jokes, didn't you, my
friend?

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But is it funny when you're folded in
two?

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I have fantasies about him turning the
key in my bedroom door as well, Dara,

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but for different reasons.

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Yeah, I'm gay, but he can fold me in
two. Don't worry.

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Oh, there's a lot of mixed messages
coming from outside.

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Does he drink wrong seal? He looks a bit
like him.

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He looks like he ejaculates WD-4.

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I reckon fizzing WD-40 is not a bad
idea, because the WD stands for water

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displacement, doesn't it? It would be
like a, you know, hose pipe.

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It would be good, but they ejaculate. I
did say ejaculation. Oh, ejaculating.

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I didn't hear that because I'm innocent,
you know.

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We've got too many of these guys
ejaculating all over the place, and

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Hugh, he likes to clean it up. Yeah. No,
no, no.

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He likes to tidy up.

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Tidy up the joke. Yeah.

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It's all true.

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It's all true.

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What have some backbench MPs been
calling for? A caretaker. A caretaker,

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yes. Why would we want a Prime Minister
who wants to watch me after I'm getting

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changed from cross-country?

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LAUGHTER Yeah.

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I thought the same thing. That's a very
unrelatable content.

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LAUGHTER Yes, that is what was proposed.
The country is like West Brom.

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Give it Sam Allardyce till the end of
the season.

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I mean, we're already out of Europe.

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Have they also been asking, back
benches, have they also been asking for

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more comfortable benches?

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You know what they need? Some WD-40.

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And you know what they can get?

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Alcar.

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I use that when I ejaculate.

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So you don't ejaculate it, you use it to
ejaculate, because that's a very

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difficult thing.

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I've got another science question.

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Oh, go on. OK, so if a lady's ovum makes
the ejaculate of WD-40, what kind of

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baby do they make?

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All I know is it slides out easy.

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Moving on, please.

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What's going on here?

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Wow, look at the dickhead on that.

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Haraj is going, the perfect Guinness,
completely white.

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They're actually launching Reform's new
anti-immigration beer, Ban Miguel.

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Reform IPA.

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Light on the Indian, heavy on the pale.

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He'd just heard that the glasses were
made in China, so he didn't want them.

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I think he's done this on purpose,
right? What's the first thing you think

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when you see that pint?

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Send it back. He's in here.

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I wouldn't... There wouldn't be all that
foam if I tilted to the right.

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Yes, this is. The former UK leader,
Nigel Farage, and Chief Whip, Lee

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Anderson, pictured recently in a
Westminster pub, announcing a policy.

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They've announced a policy, an actual
policy. What is the policy they

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announced? 5p off time.

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That's the first half, and you think
that sounds great.

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What's the second half of it?

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Reinstating the two-cap child policy.

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It's quite a double whammy. It's like,
we'll take five pounds off your pipe,

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yay, and we'll take it out of the mouths
of children.

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I'm in. I'm all in. I love a discount. I
bought a Charlie Bigum lasagna yesterday

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because it had been reduced to £45.

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I don't see how a child wearing two hats
is going to change anything.

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It's quite short-term thinking as well,
isn't it? Because if people get more

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pissed, they'll have more kids.

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Yeah. I don't know about you, I'm not
capable of having kids after having a

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few rubbles.

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As long as I've got the WD-40.

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Because there are more coffee shops than
pubs these days, but nobody got fingered

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in a coffee shop car park after six
Americanos.

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Not 100% true, but yeah.

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Come to Essex, there's a cup of coffee
that's going to blow your mind.

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That feeling when you're the only one in
the line-up that's not been fingered in

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a cafe.

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Excuse me, Princess Grace.

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00:12:09,050 --> 00:12:10,050
Yeah,

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no, happy to move on.

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00:12:13,630 --> 00:12:17,730
I like it. I mean, I wish someone had
made me observe a two-child cap. I

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haven't slept in the same bed as my
husband since Tiger King.

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Why? Because it's tiger king and
aphrodisiac.

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It absolutely was.

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I've had so many kids since I last saw
you, Ree.

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I've been breastfeeding so long, when I
clear customs, I have to declare myself

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as dairy produce.

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00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:37,940
I've had so many kids.

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Can I just say, having you say that in
my eyes was a lifelong dream.

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At the end of that, the point is going
to stay. Reece and Catherine.

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00:12:51,380 --> 00:12:54,020
Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

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00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:05,820
The next round is called Between the
Lines between Hugh and Rhys. Would you

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00:13:05,820 --> 00:13:07,220
make way to the press pit, please?

203
00:13:07,580 --> 00:13:10,140
Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise
of a leading figure in the world stage,

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while Hugh will translate what it really
means.

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Mr. Rhys is Andrew Mountbatten Windsor.

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Are you fucking kidding me?

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00:13:21,230 --> 00:13:23,170
You told me I was going to be Cristiano
Ronaldo.

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Hello, it's me, Mr.

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00:13:28,370 --> 00:13:30,670
Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.

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What happened?

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00:13:39,570 --> 00:13:42,450
I am currently facing some personal
challenges.

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00:13:43,050 --> 00:13:45,190
And that is putting it fucking mildly.

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00:13:47,090 --> 00:13:49,050
Things are starting to get serious for
me.

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00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:51,240
I suddenly realised I do sweat.

215
00:13:53,580 --> 00:13:56,400
I realise now I should have kept better
company.

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00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,860
Marrying Fergie was a terrible idea.

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I'm getting a lot of criticism, but
remember all the good things I've done.

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00:14:13,980 --> 00:14:18,580
When I was a royal, I used to work like
a dog.

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I spent my time on all fours panting a
lot.

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00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:26,500
It's been incredibly exhausting moving
house.

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00:14:26,980 --> 00:14:30,640
You would not believe how hard it is to
bubble wrap a horse.

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00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:39,540
I've changed.

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00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:43,740
I'll be spending my time in Sandringham
reflecting and quietly integrating.

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00:14:45,140 --> 00:14:46,360
Hello, Norfolk ladies.

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00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:52,540
Hot former war hero, new in town, single
and ready to mingle. Call me for golf,

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00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,060
pizza and maybe more.

227
00:14:56,160 --> 00:15:00,040
The media are wrongly portraying me as a
fat, arrogant sex addict with low

228
00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:01,040
intelligence.

229
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:05,760
I am not fat.

230
00:15:08,380 --> 00:15:11,200
If you accuse me, I will defend myself
robustly.

231
00:15:11,460 --> 00:15:14,480
I will give you £12 million to shut the
fuck up.

232
00:15:16,300 --> 00:15:20,060
These claims about me and Epstein are
ancient history some of them are over 17

233
00:15:20,060 --> 00:15:20,920
years old

234
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:32,140
17

235
00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:33,140
years old

236
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:47,660
The next round is called Here Today,
Gone Tomorrow.

237
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,600
This round involves Glenn and Sarah.

238
00:15:50,860 --> 00:15:53,540
So if you could make your way to the
performance area, please. This round is

239
00:15:53,540 --> 00:15:55,800
a stand-up challenge. I launch a wheel
of news, and wherever you choose to

240
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:59,100
stop, one of our performers will step
forward and talk about that subject. The

241
00:15:59,100 --> 00:16:00,700
winner is whoever I think is the
funniest.

242
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:03,140
OK, here we go. Let's have our first
topic, please.

243
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:04,600
Let's spin the wheel.

244
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:07,480
And the topic is children.

245
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:10,720
I am 32.

246
00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:14,120
And I don't look it.

247
00:16:16,290 --> 00:16:17,810
It is a bit of a nightmare.

248
00:16:18,050 --> 00:16:21,830
Last summer, I was walking my friend's
dog down the street, having a nice time,

249
00:16:21,870 --> 00:16:25,130
a little pair of shorts, having a lovely
day. There was a guy on the other side

250
00:16:25,130 --> 00:16:29,870
of the street, this guy, this older guy,
he got level, and this guy shouted, No

251
00:16:29,870 --> 00:16:31,610
school today!

252
00:16:34,690 --> 00:16:37,070
And then I had to say, Oh, no.

253
00:16:40,630 --> 00:16:43,070
No, there's no school today.

254
00:16:44,060 --> 00:16:46,600
because I am 32 years old.

255
00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:50,400
And he said, oh, that's weird. I thought
you were a young boy.

256
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:55,340
I was like, I'm weird. Why are you
starting a conversation with a young

257
00:16:55,340 --> 00:16:56,340
boy?

258
00:16:57,140 --> 00:16:59,060
What's your plan, spooky man?

259
00:17:00,300 --> 00:17:03,700
My girlfriend hates it. She hates how
young I look because she looks like an

260
00:17:03,700 --> 00:17:06,520
adult woman. So if we walk around
holding hands, what's she up to?

261
00:17:08,470 --> 00:17:11,990
We went for a drink. It was a hot day,
really hot day. We went out for a drink.

262
00:17:12,170 --> 00:17:15,569
And for some reason, I don't know why, I
decided I wanted a really, really dry

263
00:17:15,569 --> 00:17:18,970
rosé with an ice cube in it. Just
fancied it.

264
00:17:19,170 --> 00:17:22,490
But I also needed to go to the bathroom.
So I went off to the bathroom and I said

265
00:17:22,490 --> 00:17:23,569
to my girlfriend what I wanted.

266
00:17:23,770 --> 00:17:28,930
She went off to the bar. She said, can I
get two really, really dry rosés with an

267
00:17:28,930 --> 00:17:33,430
ice cube in each one? And the guy behind
the bar said, I'm not serving you until

268
00:17:33,430 --> 00:17:35,370
the young man you're with comes back.

269
00:17:36,490 --> 00:17:37,950
And I can check his ID.

270
00:17:38,830 --> 00:17:43,070
And she said, OK, well, just so you
know, they are 32 years old. And he

271
00:17:43,070 --> 00:17:45,250
said, I don't believe that for a second.

272
00:17:46,150 --> 00:17:52,590
So what he thinks has happened is that
I, a boy, 17 at most,

273
00:17:52,950 --> 00:17:59,790
have walked into a bar and said, I would
like a very, very dry birthday,

274
00:18:00,050 --> 00:18:01,050
please.

275
00:18:01,170 --> 00:18:03,410
I would like a single IQ.

276
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:10,620
And if anybody asks, you must tell them
that I am 32 years old.

277
00:18:13,180 --> 00:18:14,420
Thank you very much.

278
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:21,140
That leaves us with Glenn. Let's see
what your topic is. Let's spin the

279
00:18:21,140 --> 00:18:22,140
wheel.

280
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,200
And the topic is bravery.

281
00:18:24,540 --> 00:18:25,540
Away you go.

282
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:30,740
I'm not a brave person. I'm not very
good at a conflict. I'll do anything in

283
00:18:30,740 --> 00:18:33,460
my life to avoid a fight. I'll do
anything in my life to avoid...

284
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:34,920
I think even the slightest disagreement.

285
00:18:35,140 --> 00:18:37,800
I'll give an example. A few months ago,
I was standing at a train platform.

286
00:18:38,020 --> 00:18:41,540
I was waiting for my train. A train came
along that was not my train. The man

287
00:18:41,540 --> 00:18:43,540
behind me said, after you, and I got on
the train.

288
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,720
I get terrified of ever getting told
off. I got told off by someone a few

289
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:52,620
months ago, and it still haunts me to
this day because I truly don't know if I

290
00:18:52,620 --> 00:18:53,620
was in the wrong.

291
00:18:53,660 --> 00:18:54,980
Or a bit strange as being completely
unreasonable.

292
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:59,220
So who's in the wrong here? About six
months ago, a woman told me off for

293
00:18:59,220 --> 00:19:03,380
holding the door open for her because
she was still pissing. What do you

294
00:19:03,380 --> 00:19:04,380
think?

295
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,220
I'm terrified of getting told off. I
never have arguments. You know, it's not

296
00:19:10,220 --> 00:19:12,880
how I deal with situations. So if I did
have, like, a nemesis, if I had an

297
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:15,840
enemy, if I had someone I hated, someone
whose life I wanted to destroy, someone

298
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:19,460
I wanted to see brought down a peg or
two, the way I'd ruin my enemy's life is

299
00:19:19,460 --> 00:19:22,500
not by defeating them face to face in an
argument. I mean, the way you ruin your

300
00:19:22,500 --> 00:19:25,020
enemy's life is you just Google their
name every day alongside the word

301
00:19:25,020 --> 00:19:27,340
allegations until you change the
algorithm. That's what you do.

302
00:19:28,930 --> 00:19:31,350
I'm the only person in my family who's
not good at standing up for themselves.

303
00:19:31,510 --> 00:19:34,310
Everyone else in my family, very good in
a conflict. I've got members of my

304
00:19:34,310 --> 00:19:38,530
family who have been killed in conflicts
for gold. My great-uncle was killed in

305
00:19:38,530 --> 00:19:41,950
Vietnam last year in some weird sex den.
Never going to be like that again.

306
00:19:42,950 --> 00:19:45,870
Very confrontational family, you know?
It's like my grandmother always used to

307
00:19:45,870 --> 00:19:50,950
say to me, wouldn't you sort the fuck
up? I, um... What have I achieved in my

308
00:19:50,950 --> 00:19:56,010
life? What had I achieved by the age of
25, you know? I, uh... I once bought a

309
00:19:56,010 --> 00:19:57,010
pint of beer for Jude Law.

310
00:19:58,580 --> 00:20:00,460
Yeah. Don't know why. I've never been in
the same room as him. That was

311
00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:01,460
optimistic. I don't know.

312
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:06,600
Like, even as I was pouring it, I was
like, I don't know where he is.

313
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:10,720
I don't need to think I'm complaining
about not being a brave person or

314
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:12,720
anything like that. No, I feel like
every time you complain about your life

315
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:16,100
in the 21st century, that's such a slap
in the face to every generation before

316
00:20:16,100 --> 00:20:18,820
you who would like so much harder than
you. You know, my parents' lives were

317
00:20:18,820 --> 00:20:21,560
harder than mine. My grandparents' lives
were harder than theirs. My great

318
00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:25,200
-grandparents had to flee their home
country during World War II and live the

319
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:28,180
rest of their lives living in fear in
Buenos Aires. I cannot imagine.

320
00:20:30,540 --> 00:20:33,480
Now, as my great-grandfather, mankind,
caring, racist to a fault.

321
00:20:34,860 --> 00:20:37,640
I can't stand up to anyone, you know? My
wife even upset me the other day. I

322
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:40,420
didn't say anything about it, okay? She
upset me because she made a joke. I

323
00:20:40,420 --> 00:20:44,340
spent ages making dinner. It was very
romantic. I dedicated my entire day to

324
00:20:44,340 --> 00:20:47,060
making dinner. I got out of bed, had my
normal morning routine, had a cup of

325
00:20:47,060 --> 00:20:51,860
tea, Googled Rhys James allegations and
stopped making this amazing... I put it

326
00:20:51,860 --> 00:20:53,880
down on the table in front of her. She
takes one bite. She goes, oh,

327
00:20:54,020 --> 00:20:55,100
compliments to the microwave.

328
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:57,080
Piss off.

329
00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:00,080
That hurt my feelings because that
dinner took me three and a half hours to

330
00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:02,040
make, you know, because I had it on
defrost. It's just so upsetting.

331
00:21:05,100 --> 00:21:06,100
Well done, very good.

332
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:09,060
At the end of that round, the points go
to Sarah.

333
00:21:10,940 --> 00:21:15,960
Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

334
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:27,480
The next round is called, if this is the
answer, what is the question? On the

335
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:28,480
board are six categories.

336
00:21:28,780 --> 00:21:30,160
Hugh, which category would you like?

337
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:33,460
Sport. Sport! OK, Hugh, your topic is
sport.

338
00:21:34,090 --> 00:21:36,110
The answer is 25. What is the question?

339
00:21:36,370 --> 00:21:39,030
Is it how old do I feel now that I'm
back?

340
00:21:42,750 --> 00:21:48,010
Is it how many times is Mott the Week
mentioned in the Epstein file?

341
00:21:49,790 --> 00:21:53,790
Got to point out, we're not mentioning
the Epstein files, unlike QI and 8 out

342
00:21:53,790 --> 00:21:54,790
of 10 cats. OK.

343
00:21:56,630 --> 00:22:00,950
Is it what is the maximum speed Keir
Starmer will drive in a 30?

344
00:22:03,470 --> 00:22:06,030
How many prostate exams can you book in
for before they get suspicious?

345
00:22:07,670 --> 00:22:11,830
There's something up there. There's
something up there. Just have one more

346
00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:14,230
look. That's not how that works either.

347
00:22:14,930 --> 00:22:16,490
Get the WD-40.

348
00:22:18,130 --> 00:22:22,830
Is this at what age did I stop wearing
gloves that were connected by a piece of

349
00:22:22,830 --> 00:22:23,830
string?

350
00:22:25,390 --> 00:22:29,870
Is it how many people actually got
COVID?

351
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:34,979
We bought the BBC.

352
00:22:34,980 --> 00:22:36,240
We say what we want on CLT.

353
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,200
Where have you been? Where have you been
for three years? I'm going to shut off.

354
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,240
It's been so nice, everyone.

355
00:22:42,340 --> 00:22:44,180
I've been in a cave in Royston.

356
00:22:44,380 --> 00:22:47,040
I've been online all the time for three
years.

357
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:50,200
You don't get it because you use Xenon
gas.

358
00:22:51,260 --> 00:22:53,860
And WD-40, well, it's a conspiracy.

359
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:59,020
What percentage of the Beatles have a
parking app named after them?

360
00:23:07,620 --> 00:23:09,940
Paid by Paul McCartney was really pissed
off.

361
00:23:10,900 --> 00:23:16,120
Is it how many people my dad thinks I'm
talking about when I describe somebody

362
00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:17,400
using they, their pronoun?

363
00:23:19,820 --> 00:23:22,120
Is it what Rhys James' inside leg?

364
00:23:23,980 --> 00:23:28,380
Is it how old does Rhys James look?

365
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,360
Unless you get very close to him.

366
00:23:32,820 --> 00:23:35,980
Is it how many ounces of bull semen I
rub on my face every day to keep these?

367
00:23:37,740 --> 00:23:41,260
Is it how many months old did Dara lose
his hair?

368
00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:45,740
You know he's bald, right?

369
00:23:46,660 --> 00:23:48,320
I was also born bald.

370
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:50,900
I mean, I didn't just get it for like a
year.

371
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:53,460
Okay, we get it. You're a scientist.

372
00:24:02,090 --> 00:24:05,530
How many seconds are there between
Richard Attenborough saying welcome and

373
00:24:05,530 --> 00:24:06,910
to Jurassic Park?

374
00:24:08,350 --> 00:24:12,190
How many days of my cottage cheese
advent calendar remain unopened?

375
00:24:15,690 --> 00:24:17,410
That's why you're not putting on muscle.

376
00:24:18,530 --> 00:24:20,910
Is it what channel number is TLC?

377
00:24:21,190 --> 00:24:22,189
What is TLC?

378
00:24:22,190 --> 00:24:25,870
Anything from 12 to 133.

379
00:24:26,070 --> 00:24:29,730
It's a wonderful journey every Sunday
evening. Thank you for finding us.

380
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:33,740
You must be weary, Trevor.

381
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,660
Rest your tired finger.

382
00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:42,060
No, I haven't finished yet.

383
00:24:43,420 --> 00:24:46,360
Too few, not with this WD-40.

384
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:51,440
Is it how many hours does it take my
four-year-old son to eat a fucking

385
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:52,440
sandwich?

386
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:56,020
Sorry, I got problems at home. Yeah, we
all get that.

387
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:58,980
Is it how many times during a haircut do
I think, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, I

388
00:24:58,980 --> 00:24:59,980
should not have become a hairdresser?

389
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:04,560
What comes after M in M25?

390
00:25:05,300 --> 00:25:08,860
LAUGHTER OK,

391
00:25:10,060 --> 00:25:11,440
what is the actual question?

392
00:25:11,740 --> 00:25:14,600
This is how many Winter Olympics have
there been.

393
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:15,840
Correct. Thank you very much.

394
00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:17,360
Yes,

395
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:25,000
the question I was looking for was how
many Winter Olympics have there been,

396
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:26,000
including this one.

397
00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:29,920
The 2017 Winter Olympics is underway in
Milan Cortina and will feature 2,900

398
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:32,940
athletes from 90 countries competing in
116 events.

399
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:36,660
So have you all been watching the
festival of sliding and gravity?

400
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:40,460
It's a lot more dangerous than the
normal Olympics, isn't it? It really is,

401
00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:43,460
yeah. There's so much more jeopardy.
It's instantaneously dangerous. It's

402
00:25:43,460 --> 00:25:47,200
crazy. The normal Olympics is like, oh,
how far can you jump into this sand pit?

403
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:49,780
This is like, prepare for the icy slide
of death.

404
00:25:51,060 --> 00:25:52,460
We're announcing you over a cliff.

405
00:25:52,700 --> 00:25:54,000
You weren't expecting that, were you?

406
00:25:54,500 --> 00:25:58,160
The equivalent would be if the summer
Olympics, if the 100 metres was on the

407
00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:00,540
top of a skyscraper that was exactly 100
metres wide.

408
00:26:01,550 --> 00:26:03,310
And they were being chased by a lion.
Yeah.

409
00:26:03,650 --> 00:26:06,870
And now we shall pour washing-up liquid
all over the place.

410
00:26:08,070 --> 00:26:11,050
Ready to go? A lot of music.

411
00:26:11,690 --> 00:26:13,030
Element to it all, yeah.

412
00:26:13,910 --> 00:26:17,130
The athletes from around the world,
including two athletes from Greenland

413
00:26:17,130 --> 00:26:20,170
who are taking part in the biathlon,
which is the one where you ski and

414
00:26:20,170 --> 00:26:22,910
shoot. And because they're here,
Greenland is undefended.

415
00:26:25,930 --> 00:26:26,930
There's an actual...

416
00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:31,280
Competitive skiing and shooting at the
same time. Well, not that... You do

417
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:32,280
stuff.

418
00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:37,020
You do shoot. I don't know what you
shoot. Targets. You shoot targets. Yeah,

419
00:26:37,020 --> 00:26:38,620
what do you think you'd shoot? Elk. Elk.

420
00:26:39,860 --> 00:26:42,760
I mean, I think I'd be more into it. But
they don't do like that with figure

421
00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:46,580
skating and stuff, do they? No, no, no.
You don't have to pick them off like

422
00:26:46,580 --> 00:26:48,800
that. You'll just spin really fast while
shooting a target.

423
00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:51,480
If anybody did this, it's like, don't
kill anyone.

424
00:26:52,140 --> 00:26:53,560
Oh, she's praying wildly.

425
00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:59,220
What have ski jumpers at this year's
Games been warned against doing?

426
00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:00,880
Enlarging their penis.

427
00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:04,560
Enlarging their penis. Because it
actually makes you better at ski

428
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:11,180
jumping. Whereas in the hurdles... Yeah,
they've been injecting like acid or

429
00:27:11,180 --> 00:27:12,059
something.

430
00:27:12,060 --> 00:27:14,520
Hyaluronic acid. Hyaluronic acid, right.
And I read it because it's dangerous

431
00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:16,840
because apparently there's loads of side
effects if you do this, trying to

432
00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:17,840
increase the size of your penis.

433
00:27:17,860 --> 00:27:20,780
But apparently some of the side effects,
memory loss.

434
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:26,200
It's all safe.

435
00:27:26,380 --> 00:27:27,380
It's all safe.

436
00:27:27,980 --> 00:27:28,980
Hugh,

437
00:27:30,300 --> 00:27:32,420
let them finish the most reluctant round
of applause of all time.

438
00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:38,820
Higher neurotic acid is also the active
ingredient in lots of anti-aging things.

439
00:27:38,940 --> 00:27:43,420
Yes, it is. As L'Oreal will tell you,
right? So not only does it give you a

440
00:27:43,420 --> 00:27:45,160
bigger penis, it takes years off it.

441
00:27:47,980 --> 00:27:50,820
That's why I feel sorry for penises,
because they're born looking old.

442
00:27:52,420 --> 00:27:53,420
Much like myself.

443
00:27:55,780 --> 00:28:00,100
So, yeah, hyaluronic acid and paraffin.
So it does sound so dangerous. Like, it

444
00:28:00,100 --> 00:28:02,660
does sound something you don't want to
do, but apparently you only have to

445
00:28:02,660 --> 00:28:05,300
gain, like, a couple of inches. Because
this is, again, a science thing for you.

446
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:09,420
I can have... This is an aerodynamic
thing. So they think only... Because

447
00:28:09,420 --> 00:28:13,260
last Olympics they got in trouble for
just, like, opening their groins a

448
00:28:13,260 --> 00:28:15,160
couple of centimetres, like the
costumes, a little bit.

449
00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:18,780
Apparently it's like an inch or
something and then you can gain feet and

450
00:28:18,780 --> 00:28:23,500
feet when you get 2.8 meters per
centimeter of cloth. Essentially the aim

451
00:28:23,500 --> 00:28:27,780
is to be as much like a flying squirrel
as possible. A famously well-hung

452
00:28:27,780 --> 00:28:28,780
animal.

453
00:28:29,700 --> 00:28:31,600
I don't understand this news story.

454
00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:33,640
What is a penis?

455
00:28:36,540 --> 00:28:38,180
It's horrible. You wouldn't like it.

456
00:28:38,820 --> 00:28:41,900
I couldn't believe it when I heard the
word acid because I guess if you're

457
00:28:41,900 --> 00:28:44,540
trying to get rid of a body you have to
be really specific about which acid

458
00:28:44,540 --> 00:28:45,469
you're using.

459
00:28:45,470 --> 00:28:48,290
Otherwise, you'd sit over a bath being
like, it's not dissolving and the dick

460
00:28:48,290 --> 00:28:49,290
is getting bigger.

461
00:28:51,130 --> 00:28:53,650
It would be the most flattering doping
test to be called in for, though,

462
00:28:53,650 --> 00:28:56,050
wouldn't it? Just going, oh, come with
me, big boy. We've got to check out

463
00:28:56,050 --> 00:28:57,009
what's going on there.

464
00:28:57,010 --> 00:29:00,750
This sounds like an excuse men would
give, too. They're like, no, no, no,

465
00:29:00,790 --> 00:29:02,790
mine's big enough. I'm just doing it for
my country.

466
00:29:03,570 --> 00:29:05,430
And it caused all this scandal.

467
00:29:05,650 --> 00:29:10,050
Some people are calling it penis gate,
which I thought was a nice name for that

468
00:29:10,050 --> 00:29:11,130
bit at the Y front.

469
00:29:11,850 --> 00:29:12,850
Oh, yeah.

470
00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:15,440
I thought that was the penis gate.

471
00:29:15,660 --> 00:29:18,940
I never thought you referred to it as
penis gate. Oh, just popped out the

472
00:29:18,940 --> 00:29:19,940
penis gate.

473
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:21,000
Can you close the penis gate?

474
00:29:22,960 --> 00:29:25,360
Presumably it's not any ski jumping. I
would have thought penis enlivening must

475
00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:26,360
help you in the pole vault.

476
00:29:28,380 --> 00:29:29,660
No, you'd be the opposite.

477
00:29:30,120 --> 00:29:33,380
You'd need a shrinking injection. Well,
you wouldn't need a pole. You'd need to

478
00:29:33,380 --> 00:29:34,380
ice pack your...

479
00:29:36,780 --> 00:29:40,040
So now they're doing it by measuring,
like, the bottom, like, how far your

480
00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:44,060
genitals go down. It's only this benefit
elderly men with their drooping ball.

481
00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:47,720
Yeah. And every ski jumper should just
be 90 years old.

482
00:29:47,980 --> 00:29:50,760
They wouldn't weigh nothing. They would
fly through the air for it. Please,

483
00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:51,760
please.

484
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:53,560
That's a picture of Captain Tom.

485
00:29:57,330 --> 00:30:00,990
Why has Elon Musk been in the news this
week? He wants to launch a million

486
00:30:00,990 --> 00:30:06,110
satellites into space for like AI
centers and he wants them all to be

487
00:30:06,110 --> 00:30:07,930
solar powered because he's a light
supremacist.

488
00:30:10,390 --> 00:30:12,710
But it does feel like a bit of a
distraction if you have just been

489
00:30:12,710 --> 00:30:15,050
announced in the Epstein Files, doesn't
it? Just going, look up there, there's a

490
00:30:15,050 --> 00:30:16,050
million satellites!

491
00:30:18,570 --> 00:30:21,510
Sorry to bombard you with science
questions, but how can they be solar

492
00:30:21,510 --> 00:30:22,930
powered in space when it's dark?

493
00:30:26,020 --> 00:30:28,180
Yeah, the sun's there, but it's night in
space. Yeah.

494
00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:33,000
It's always sunny in space. It's like,
specifically not. It's pitch black. Why

495
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:36,760
is it never blue sky on the moon? Why is
that space black, Zara? Hello, Zara.

496
00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:37,960
Hello.

497
00:30:38,700 --> 00:30:40,100
Why won't you tell us?

498
00:30:40,580 --> 00:30:42,920
It's not a secret. I'm not keeping it
from you.

499
00:30:43,900 --> 00:30:48,500
I've been swore to secrecy on this one.
I'm not in by you going, they're on to

500
00:30:48,500 --> 00:30:49,500
us, they're on to us.

501
00:30:49,900 --> 00:30:53,160
An engine running and Brian Cox in the
car going, come now, come now.

502
00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:56,300
This is a bit like a filibuster.

503
00:30:58,560 --> 00:31:02,680
It's not nighttime in space. No, so it
all follows the trajectory of the sun.

504
00:31:02,900 --> 00:31:05,380
You can arrange it so it's always on the
sunny side. Isn't that right?

505
00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:06,640
You could.

506
00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:10,680
Or they just get batteries and they just
get lit when they go around. It doesn't

507
00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:12,480
explain why it's dark in space. It's
day.

508
00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:17,180
When you're in space, you can see the
sun is still there. What time is it in

509
00:31:17,180 --> 00:31:18,180
space? Oh, my God.

510
00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:26,480
Is it fun in space?

511
00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:29,260
Yeah, actually, because none of this
happens.

512
00:31:31,780 --> 00:31:34,500
OK, at the end of that round, the points
go to Glenn, Hugh and Sarah.

513
00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:41,960
Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

514
00:31:49,980 --> 00:31:52,040
Now we play a game called...

515
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:53,240
You think that's bad?

516
00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:55,960
In a world where everything seems to be
going wrong, there's a chance for a

517
00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:58,600
performance to compete to outdo each
other with tales of woe from their

518
00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:00,400
lives, and I decide whose is the worst.

519
00:32:00,620 --> 00:32:02,500
Would anyone care to start us off? I'll
start.

520
00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:03,419
Go on.

521
00:32:03,420 --> 00:32:07,640
So, I have therapy, and I was telling my
therapist about how I was bullied at

522
00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:11,340
school, and she asked me to describe it,
and then she said, oh, that's not

523
00:32:11,340 --> 00:32:12,820
bullying, you just weren't liked.

524
00:32:13,540 --> 00:32:14,540
LAUGHTER

525
00:32:18,600 --> 00:32:20,260
Oh, my God. Pretty bad. That's amazing.

526
00:32:21,620 --> 00:32:24,620
Did she say that whilst flushing your
head down the toilet?

527
00:32:26,040 --> 00:32:28,440
That's how she cleans away my tears at
the end of the session.

528
00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:33,440
You think that's bad? My therapist
actually recommended I quit doing stand

529
00:32:33,440 --> 00:32:36,080
-up in a YouTube comment about six
months before we met.

530
00:32:38,220 --> 00:32:40,400
I've got to go into therapy because I've
got anger issues.

531
00:32:41,050 --> 00:32:42,910
And I'm working and I get really angry
about stuff that doesn't matter. But I

532
00:32:42,910 --> 00:32:45,130
already know where I get it from. I get
it from my biological father.

533
00:32:45,410 --> 00:32:47,910
He's a really angry guy, my biological
father. The main thing he gets angry

534
00:32:47,910 --> 00:32:50,790
about is that he raised me my whole life
and he's my normal dad, but I still call

535
00:32:50,790 --> 00:32:51,790
him that for a laugh.

536
00:32:53,150 --> 00:32:57,770
If you think that's bad, I recommended
Harold Shipman to be ambassador to

537
00:32:57,770 --> 00:32:58,770
Morocco.

538
00:33:00,010 --> 00:33:03,590
If you think that's bad, my husband
stopped listening to Joe Rogan because

539
00:33:03,590 --> 00:33:04,590
he thought he was too woke.

540
00:33:06,330 --> 00:33:09,170
If you think that's bad, I went to the
shop.

541
00:33:09,580 --> 00:33:10,580
To buy a cauliflower.

542
00:33:11,120 --> 00:33:12,720
But I accidentally bought a cabbage.

543
00:33:13,740 --> 00:33:16,000
And I peeled the whole cabbage looking
for a cauliflower.

544
00:33:23,100 --> 00:33:25,940
When the whole thing was gone, I still
didn't get it.

545
00:33:27,200 --> 00:33:28,820
Oh no, I'll get one more layer.

546
00:33:29,040 --> 00:33:30,300
I'll get one more layer.

547
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:31,800
I'll be in here.

548
00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:34,880
And I really wish I was a good enough
comedian to have made that up.

549
00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:39,740
It's very bad, but that's sort of bad in
vegetables.

550
00:33:40,020 --> 00:33:42,880
I think this is worse. My son turned
four the other day, and some of the

551
00:33:42,880 --> 00:33:45,600
parents were sort of standing around at
the party chatting, and that's how I

552
00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:47,540
found out I'm supposed to have been
making him brush his teeth.

553
00:33:48,180 --> 00:33:51,680
Oh! I thought that was something we all
sort of did for ourselves, wasn't it?

554
00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:54,140
We're like, I'm supposed to be having a
toothbrush in his mouth every day. You

555
00:33:54,140 --> 00:33:55,820
thought it was an instinct that kicked
in.

556
00:33:56,680 --> 00:33:58,980
It's had teeth for ages.

557
00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:02,940
I can't wait to hear how shitty your
therapist is about this.

558
00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:07,660
I'll tell you what's really good about
cleaning your teeth.

559
00:34:08,360 --> 00:34:09,360
WD-40.

560
00:34:11,239 --> 00:34:12,880
That's why my teeth are so clean.

561
00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:15,360
Hanging out with you-know-who.

562
00:34:16,320 --> 00:34:19,980
I was a really small child, can you
guess? No, were you?

563
00:34:20,300 --> 00:34:23,420
Yeah, exactly. I was a small child. Go
fuck yourself.

564
00:34:25,860 --> 00:34:29,480
But my mum used to measure mine and my
brother's height by marking it on the

565
00:34:29,480 --> 00:34:32,540
kitchen doorframe every six months to
see how much we'd grown. And mine stayed

566
00:34:32,540 --> 00:34:35,620
the same for so long, people would come
round and assume I had died.

567
00:34:38,830 --> 00:34:41,969
You know, as you get older, you get more
hair. You get hair in strange places.

568
00:34:42,330 --> 00:34:47,270
I plucked a nose hair the other day, and
my tonsils came out with it.

569
00:34:49,150 --> 00:34:52,909
You know, plucking a nose hair, it can
actually break a nose if you don't ask

570
00:34:52,909 --> 00:34:53,909
the person first.

571
00:35:03,609 --> 00:35:07,410
Now we come to scenes we'd like to see.
So if everyone can make their way over

572
00:35:07,410 --> 00:35:08,410
to the performance area, please.

573
00:35:08,750 --> 00:35:11,510
I'll read out this week's topics, and
we'll see what our panelists can come up

574
00:35:11,510 --> 00:35:16,230
with. Okay, here we go. The first
subject is... Unlikely lines from a

575
00:35:16,230 --> 00:35:17,230
blockbuster movie.

576
00:35:18,070 --> 00:35:19,029
It's happened.

577
00:35:19,030 --> 00:35:20,090
They've risen from the dead.

578
00:35:20,410 --> 00:35:23,310
And now they're here to mock more weak.

579
00:35:27,570 --> 00:35:30,910
We're sending you to the Caribbean,
Bond. We need you to befriend a nonce.

580
00:35:35,850 --> 00:35:40,310
The terrorists have seized the president
and taken him hostage, and since then,

581
00:35:40,410 --> 00:35:41,690
everything's felt quite lovely.

582
00:35:47,170 --> 00:35:48,570
Finally, we meet, Bon.

583
00:35:49,170 --> 00:35:52,210
I just need to finish my interpretive
dance, and I'll be back.

584
00:36:04,010 --> 00:36:06,130
The talking bookcase from Ikea.

585
00:36:11,410 --> 00:36:14,310
The calls are coming from inside the
house.

586
00:36:15,170 --> 00:36:17,070
We have a landline?

587
00:36:20,030 --> 00:36:24,870
My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius,
father to a murdered son, husband to a

588
00:36:24,870 --> 00:36:27,950
murdered wife, and ambassador for men's
mental health.

589
00:36:32,050 --> 00:36:33,170
I'm just a girl.

590
00:36:33,970 --> 00:36:38,250
standing in front of a boy, telling him
to put the fucking toilet seat down.

591
00:36:42,890 --> 00:36:46,710
They say the killer comes from a musical
theater background, and they could be

592
00:36:46,710 --> 00:36:53,370
among us as we... I've come here from
the

593
00:36:53,370 --> 00:36:58,410
dying alien planet of Krypton to save
mankind, which, on reflection, is not

594
00:36:58,410 --> 00:37:00,010
something I should have told the ice
agent.

595
00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:08,400
How have I shit myself this badly?

596
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:16,240
If you only watch one movie this year,
watch F1. The gripping story of a

597
00:37:16,240 --> 00:37:17,980
function key on a computer keyboard.

598
00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:24,060
I'm ready for the revolution.

599
00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:27,380
And I've brought the wavy vanilla ice
cream between layers of crisp chocolate.

600
00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:29,180
Sorry, V for Vendetta.

601
00:37:36,620 --> 00:37:41,040
And you see, the thing is, he's got
those cold, lifeless eyes, black eyes

602
00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:45,280
like dolls' eyes, and then you hear that
horrible, high-pitched, blip-bip-blop

603
00:37:45,280 --> 00:37:46,280
-bip-blop-bip!

604
00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:56,760
My love, Cinderella, has left this shoe
behind, so now I need every

605
00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:59,520
woman in the kingdom to show me her
feet.

606
00:38:02,220 --> 00:38:04,780
What do you mean? It's a completely
normal plan.

607
00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:12,400
Some say you can still hear the farmer
who used to live here milking the cows

608
00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:13,400
in the middle of the night.

609
00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:16,240
So if anyone hears anything that sounds
like that, that's what it is.

610
00:38:19,940 --> 00:38:22,040
Unlikely lines from a blockbuster movie.

611
00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:24,380
I'm sorry, Dara.

612
00:38:25,260 --> 00:38:26,560
I can't do that.

613
00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:33,940
How long does it take you to defuse a
bomb?

614
00:38:34,180 --> 00:38:36,560
I don't know, about ten minutes? You've
got 30 seconds!

615
00:38:37,230 --> 00:38:38,550
All right, but I can't.

616
00:38:41,050 --> 00:38:45,390
I still can't do that, darling.

617
00:38:50,970 --> 00:38:52,530
Well, I'm here with my friends.

618
00:38:53,610 --> 00:38:55,950
There's a lion. He would like some
courage.

619
00:38:56,290 --> 00:38:58,610
And there's a scarecrow, and he would
like a brain.

620
00:38:58,950 --> 00:39:03,030
And then there's a tin man, and he would
like Hugh Dennis to ejaculate in his

621
00:39:03,030 --> 00:39:04,030
joints.

622
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:11,640
No, no, no.

623
00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:19,660
I'm just a girl standing in front of a
boy asking him to notice that my hair is

624
00:39:19,660 --> 00:39:21,700
a completely different fucking color
today.

625
00:39:24,800 --> 00:39:30,700
I'm just a girl standing in front of a
boy realizing it's a mirror and that

626
00:39:30,700 --> 00:39:32,060
gender is a social construct.

627
00:39:36,300 --> 00:39:37,760
Not the week has changed.

628
00:39:40,140 --> 00:39:43,060
Well, yeah, of course I spent my money
populating this place with dinosaurs.

629
00:39:43,240 --> 00:39:44,740
What else is a billionaire supposed to
do with an island?

630
00:39:48,280 --> 00:39:51,520
You see, Slytherin's bad. The sorting
hat put Hermione in reform.

631
00:39:56,060 --> 00:39:59,860
OK, the next topic is... Hey,

632
00:40:02,260 --> 00:40:05,200
girl, are you the film The Notebook? Cos
it seems everyone's touched by you,

633
00:40:05,240 --> 00:40:06,240
except for me.

634
00:40:11,720 --> 00:40:14,920
No, don't be put off. I don't normally
walk like this. The last guy I slept

635
00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:15,920
with was a ski jumper.

636
00:40:22,020 --> 00:40:23,020
Can you iron?

637
00:40:30,160 --> 00:40:33,480
Sorry, I'm a bit of an anxious
nail-biter. I didn't hurt your toes, did

638
00:40:33,480 --> 00:40:34,480
I?

639
00:40:37,060 --> 00:40:44,050
If I could rearrange the alphabet... I'd
put you next to I, and then a

640
00:40:44,050 --> 00:40:46,330
T in the middle, because I've got
cystitis.

641
00:40:49,850 --> 00:40:52,470
The room just lit up when you walked in.

642
00:40:53,230 --> 00:40:55,290
I think they have motion-sensitive
switches.

643
00:41:02,450 --> 00:41:04,350
Girl, are you a watermelon?

644
00:41:04,850 --> 00:41:08,310
Because I want to take you back to my
place and then feel too overwhelmed to

645
00:41:08,310 --> 00:41:09,310
do anything with you.

646
00:41:15,600 --> 00:41:20,880
My ex-girlfriend used to call me the
horse on account of my massive ketamine

647
00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:21,880
problem.

648
00:41:23,660 --> 00:41:27,440
I would take the stars from the skies
and put them in your eyes.

649
00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:31,240
That noise, that's Dara O'Brien crying
because the stars are in the wrong

650
00:41:31,240 --> 00:41:32,240
place.

651
00:41:36,900 --> 00:41:41,020
Wow. God must have taken the day off
after making you, because you seem like

652
00:41:41,020 --> 00:41:42,020
a lot of work.

653
00:41:49,870 --> 00:41:51,170
Hey, girl, are you from Tennessee?

654
00:41:51,450 --> 00:41:52,770
Because you're the only 10 I see.

655
00:41:53,090 --> 00:41:54,910
No? Well, then, are you from
Pennsylvania?

656
00:41:55,270 --> 00:41:56,530
Because you've made my Pennsylvania.

657
00:42:01,450 --> 00:42:06,190
Forgive me. Forgive me.

658
00:42:06,410 --> 00:42:08,110
Reza has actually tried that one on me.

659
00:42:10,670 --> 00:42:14,810
Yeah, I am a high-flying PR executive.
I'm launching a new client's fragrance.

660
00:42:15,070 --> 00:42:16,850
What do you think of Just Andrew?

661
00:42:21,260 --> 00:42:23,940
I say most men can't even find it, but I
can.

662
00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:26,320
The lost kingdom of Shambhala.

663
00:42:29,340 --> 00:42:33,160
Having sex with me is like having a
happy meal. I come with a little toy.

664
00:42:38,060 --> 00:42:40,360
Look, I don't care that you have a son.

665
00:42:40,640 --> 00:42:41,640
Yeah, I know, Rhys.

666
00:42:50,120 --> 00:42:52,220
I should ask you back to my place, but
it seems a bit soon.

667
00:42:52,820 --> 00:42:54,380
I only escaped this morning.

668
00:42:58,240 --> 00:43:01,140
Did you fall from heaven and it wasn't
your fault?

669
00:43:01,340 --> 00:43:02,960
You might be eligible for compensation.

670
00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:08,500
I'm not wearing any deodorant.

671
00:43:11,700 --> 00:43:15,820
Hey girl, is that a Snapchat filter or
are you an actual dog?

672
00:43:19,470 --> 00:43:20,470
Hey, are you from Tennessee?

673
00:43:20,570 --> 00:43:21,850
Because you're the only ten I see.

674
00:43:22,110 --> 00:43:24,390
No? Well then, are you from Virginia?

675
00:43:24,670 --> 00:43:25,910
Because you should have this Virginia.

676
00:43:30,950 --> 00:43:32,830
Come on, don't be silly.

677
00:43:33,110 --> 00:43:34,110
You pay.

678
00:43:37,150 --> 00:43:39,330
If I could rearrange the alphabet.

679
00:43:42,170 --> 00:43:43,170
Sorry,

680
00:43:48,630 --> 00:43:51,110
I know this is... so cheesy, but I
haven't showered in a while.

681
00:43:54,830 --> 00:43:58,070
Oh, your underwear must be lucky
underwear, because it gets to touch

682
00:43:58,070 --> 00:43:59,070
your... Ah, she's gone.

683
00:44:01,370 --> 00:44:06,150
You know, they call me the stallion. At
weekends, I get whipped by small men

684
00:44:06,150 --> 00:44:07,390
while Claire Balding commentates.

685
00:44:09,870 --> 00:44:16,870
And that's the end of the show.

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00:44:17,360 --> 00:44:21,860
This week's winners are Glenn Moore,
Hugh Dess, and Sarah Pascoe.

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00:44:23,420 --> 00:44:26,540
Commiserations to Catherine Lyon, Rhys
James, and Sarah Keyworth.

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00:44:28,100 --> 00:44:30,860
Thanks for watching. I'm Daryl Breen.
Good night.